My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
You Might Also Like
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.