My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?