My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
It’s the weekend y’all
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable