My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles