When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx