*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
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IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.