@heatherlou_: My family keeps bringing up my felony like I'm afraid to commit another one.
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@FattMernandez: For my niece's 7th birthday, I'm filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I'm gonna yell "Oh God! She was pregnant!"
@TheRolo: You guys talk about sex like it's so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
@LindaInDisguise: Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
@ElliotHetherton: Doctor: Any food allergies? Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me Carton of milk: That's not true