My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers