My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
You Might Also Like
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.