My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.