My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.