*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours