My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
nature’s most graceful animal
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.