@Robert_Beau: My family tree is a cactus, we're all pricks.
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@MandiAtRandom: Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
@iAmDelFreaky: I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
@Brianhopecomedy: When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
@onion_an: Son: Dad can sand melt? Me putting down my glass: Don't be ridiculous of course it can't