@Robert_Beau: My family tree is a cactus, we're all pricks.
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@cepheusjackson: [SCIENCE FAIR] ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts. PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids. OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
@lloydrang: People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say "Oh, look, a dead bird," and you look UP, we take your phone away
@tastefactory: "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."
@fillthevacuum: Don't get it. Heard the phrase "keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir". Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.