My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef