My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If you know, you know
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.