@WritePlay: My family tried an "Unplugged Evening", and that's how we accidentally killed Nana
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@girlontapas: My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends. Him: Being a teenager is tough. Me: *sigh* I'm 40.
@krispythehuman: How to use eyeliner: 1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids 2. Oops too thick, try to even them out 3. Colour your whole face in
@TheRolo: [Chased by cops on foot] *Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor* *Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling's eyes* *Makes clean getaway*
@notalogin: The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it's actually one guy who's chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work