My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?