My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.