My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.