My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*