My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
This guy’s not having it 😆
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Thursday
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
okay run it by me one more time
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?