My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.