My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*