My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.