You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
WTF IS THAT!
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I’m not wrong
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Unexpected Judgment
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit