My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch