i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
just left a huge legacy in there
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.