my father died in a conga line and so shall i
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Cha-ching is my safe word
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?