my father died in a conga line and so shall i
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A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.