Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Wait a second…
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Children of the corn 🌽
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M