My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Born to be mild.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The first matador
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…