@Terdoh: My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like "You're five years old? When I was your age I was six!"
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@JosesLovesYou: [at sheep farm] Me: So how do you get steel wool? Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep Me: huh? *sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
@hazelmotes1: Press Conference: How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything? Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*
@simoncholland: You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.