Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
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I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Doctors texting each other.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
plant them where lol
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.