Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I think the cat got the dog high.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.