Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.