@shutupmikeginn: my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: I was named after my grandfather. Me: Of course you were, he was born first.
@9to5Life: "911, what's your emergency?" "My kids are being jerks." "Hey, Christian, you can't keep calling here." "Are you gonna send help?" "..."
@djdarrellripley: I took my dog to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey" and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book...