my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
North and South
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.