My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Every work meeting this week
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “