My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
HOW DARE YOU
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I really had high hopes for this year though