My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.