My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.