Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
You Might Also Like
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!