If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
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Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails