My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”