My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
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People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.