Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My background check bounced.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way