My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
This classic never gets old . . .
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club