My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Mountain Goat : )
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.