my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
one of
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Did my cat write this
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.