my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.