My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
You Might Also Like
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.