@novicefather: My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheRolo: [Ouija board] Me: Demon? I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L Me: *your Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
@TuffyNyC: "Statistics show that most shark attacks happen in shallow water." Really? Maybe cus that's where the ppl are u idiots.
@NatetheEnigma: Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
@WilliamAder: Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.