@novicefather: My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
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@weinerdog4life: Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
@WilliamAder: Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants. Me: These are my legs.
@trumpetcake: MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn't stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.