@novicefather: My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.
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@Scimommy: Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what "nerd" means.
@timdonakowski: My new career path: 1. Learn soccer 2. Move to Ghana 3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer
@david8hughes: [1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand