He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.