“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
the three branches of government
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning